15 - Behind Masks, We Hide

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise,

We wear the mask!

--  Paul Laurence Dunbar

Yes, I have my own mask. Everyone sees my outer mask, but very few know what it hides. I wish that I did not have a mask, I am not proud of the fact that I do. Part of what everyone sees is who I am, but the others are really just what I want to be. My mask shows a charismatic, caring, funny, and patient person who just wants the best for everyone. That is who I am, at least partly. My mask, however, hides the other part of me. The one who does not easily trust, the one who bottles up emotions, the one who is confused on how she feels because she built walls for so long that getting back in touch with emotion is hard. The one who’s scared to open up, the one who avoids causing problems with those she cares about to the utmost extent. I built this mask out of necessity, out of a want to not have to think about emotion. I found that if there was no emotion, nothing could hurt. When I was 12, my mother’s side of the family erupted in conflict and caused a large emotional strain in my family. I found that those who were closest to you could hurt you the most. I began to wall off, to create this box that I wouldn’t let anything into. One of the hardest parts was looking at my 8 and 5 year old little cousins who didn’t know anything about what was going on and figure out a way to protect them from what had affected me. This is where my want for the best for everyone came from- I drew strength from others being happy to lift me up. Now, years later, I struggle trusting people and getting back in touch with my emotions. I hide behind my mask because I am scared of being hurt again; I am scared of opening the bottle of emotions I have kept locked up. I have my good days and my bad, but I do not let others see this. I do not want people to worry about me; I would rather be the one worrying about them. I will help others until the cows come home because I never want them to be in pain like I was. I will continue to protect my little cousins so that they will not have to build a mask, so they will not get hurt, so they will never feel the pain I did.